Won't forget this.

At least I hope I won't.
In the last month, I've:
-stopped breast feeding taylor and have a weird body left over
-started birth control
-lost my only Grandpa to Parkinson's Disease
-Spent 2 weeks straight with kids getting a)Addie= fever for 5 days, b)Abigail= bilateral ear infections and a NASTY chest cough and sinus congestion, and c)Taylor= Croup, which led to q 4 hr Nebulizer treatments, round-the-clock tylenol and motrin, and also bilateral ear infections.
-stopped working out because of all of the above issues
-started working more at the hospital
-started making progress on furthering my photography business

Needless to say, it's been a rough month. I've had some SERIOUS reflective periods these past couple weeks.  Thought about giving it all up and just cutting ALL things out of my life except family.  Thought about just going and working full time at the hospital so I can have a set schedule for once.  Thought about starting day care. Thought about doing home school. (Can you see the extremes!!!!??!!!)

-Dan and I have been arguing a lot.

-I'm re-finishing/upholstering a Victorian chair
-I've had visitors come every week from somewhere else
-I'm preparing for a craft fair making bows/hair accessories and hair bow holders
-The garage is full of projects to finish
-the playroom is full of photography stuff and upholstery stuff and hair stuff.
-Dinner is a last second effort
-Bedtime is a dreaded time
-I feel stuck and rotten and like a terrible mother
-I love my kids and my role as a mom and wife... but feel I'm failing at all of these things.
-I love photography and nursing.
-I am not enjoying my church calling- but when ever have I enjoyed it???
-I feel stretched and frantic.
-I feel an overwhelming sense of holding on to tiny threads and like they are one day going to snap and I will fall.  I feel like I won't stop living like this till I'm hospitalized.
-Christmas is coming.
-Taylor is crying right now and it's 9pm and Dan is at a Jazz game in Oakland

Today was a culmination of events that led me to write this journal entry in hopes that I can change myself.. and really change who I am- the core and center of who I am- so that I can live a better life.

I called in sick to work last night so that I could be home with Taylor today because I can't really have her babysat all day- she's still sick.  I still stayed up till 2am last night despite not working at the hospital.   I still used the babysitter for Abigail today, thinking I'd take a nap.  Instead,  I took bella to the groomers, worked on the chair, ate a huge breakfast, juggled Taylor throughout all, went to Hancock Fabrics to return stuff, went to Joann's to buy stuff, let Taylor sleep in the car, picked up Addie early from school, went back and fed Adds and Taylor lunch, dropped them both off at Tess' house for Taylor's second nap, and drove to Santa Cruz (45 minute drive) in hopes of making a hair appointment that I've needed to do for months.  (I wear my hair in a ponytail every day.)

On my selfish way, I got pulled over for speeding.  I thought the speed limit was 65mph.  It was 50, and I was going 69.

It was the only time in my life I've actually tried to talk myself out of a ticket.

The officer was young, and unsympathetic.  As he ripped off the ticket and handed it to me, he said,  

"You can't change the past.  You can only change your future."   

and walked away.  Despite my upset/downcast/fallen state, I continued the drive to my hair apt, only to sit down and have the hairdresser basically tell me that she was unwilling to cut my hair the way I wanted it.  I had had it.

I broke down in the hair salon.

I left bawling (I don't think I'll ever be able to go back there) and went and sat in my car and bawled my eyes out.  Here I had risked my baby/kids to someone elses care, risked my life in speeding, spent money on a NOTHING trip/gas/time/effort/money... All of the pressure came caving in.  I just wanted some ME time.  For ME.  With out kids.  Without guilt.  Just a nice relaxing haircut, and feel cute afterwards... Something I haven't felt for a while...

My priorities are ALL out of whack.

On the way back home, between sobbing episodes, I tried to organize my thoughts.  What do I want???  I want:
-to be organized in my scheduling
-a clean house
-a happy husband
-a great sex life
-a relationship with my kids
-to be crafty
-to make dinner every night purposefully and something healthy.
-to BE ON TIME to things
-to be successful at my jobs
-to create things
-to be in shape and have a regular schedule of working out

Thinking about what I DON'T want was much easier.  I don't want:
-To always be rushing frantically
-to always be late to everything
-to feel constantly unprepared
-to be constantly complaining about my life's hardships (aka like the boohoo list I made above)
-to do everything half-a'd
-to waste time on the computer
-to spend more money

I started thinking about why I am the way I am.  Always trying to fit a million things in at the last minute, never going to bed at a decent hour, the house is full of unfinished projects all over the place and instead of keeping things clean I wait until it's horrible (or people are coming over) and then I run around like a mad woman cleaning in a fury and bustle about and clean the whole, entire house at once- takes 3 hours to do.  I complete the things I WANT to work on instead of doing the essential things first- and this always work out horribly for me.
I never plan out my day/week/month.  In fact, I get antsy and squeamish whenever anyone tries to schedule something like visiting teaching with me longer than a couple days ahead... and the reason is because I feel like I will loose my freedom if I do.  I will loose my spontaneous  way of getting a million and one things done in a hour- and maybe it will be that hour that I'll feel like doing it- but it'll be scheduled out already and I will DIE!!!!

I prayed out loud through the entire drive home w tears streaming down as I drove.  I went the speed limit the whole way home.  I thought about the kite analogy and how the string doesn't hold the kite down, it helps it fly and not crash to the ground.  I am the kite and my string is snapping.  I need to give myself structure and rules so that I can function properly. 

I picked up Bella while thinking all of this.  Bella pooped on the floor of the store while I was paying.

I need to prioritize. I need to plan.  I need to sacrifice.  I need to be selfless.  I need to sleep.  I need to give up some good things to replace them better things.  I need to let go of some better things to have some of the best things.  I need to salvage my relationship with God and ask for his help in all of this change, because it's not going to be easy.  I will try.  I will probably fail.  But I'm going to try to keep trying to try trying :)

I can do this.  Starting now  I don't know what the plan is, but I think it needs to involve planning every day out as much as possible, and allowing for some time to clean, cook, personal time, kid time, working out time, etc every day.  I keep thinking I can do this- then I work a night shift and have to flip my schedule around and everything goes topsy-turvey.

Here I am, in all my imperfect glory.  All my undesirable traits.  All the things I hate about myself.  All the things I need to get better at.  (Don't take me literally- of course there are MORE things that I could improve on- but these are the biggies.)

I can change my future.
I can improve my life.
I can be happy with structure and rules.
I can be on time.
I can plan on a daily basis.
I CAN.
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